A friend was telling me about the lies her semi-adult child had told her.
Her experience sounded similar to my own.
We would ask questions of my son about his life and he would lie to us.
Eventually we would find out about the lies, confront him, he would apologize and there would be other lies.
Lying is wrong, period.
As I have though over the months about the episodes we had with our son, I have come to realize that while his lying was wrong, it is equally wrong for me to disrespect him as a fellow adult with my impertinent questions.
Semi-adults lie because they don't want to deal with their parents' response to accurate answers or they don't think their parents are entitled to invade their privacy with their questions.
It is so much easier to see where other parents are crossing the line.
The line is a lot harder to envision when it comes to our own kids and ourselves.
A friend's child stared lying after her parent continued to express their displeasure at her choice of boyfriend.
An honest answer to their questions left her defenseless against having to hear again, what is wrong with the man she loves.
That her parents are right in their assessment of his character doesn't equate to the freedom to keep pointing out his faults to their daughter.
If her parents want the truthful answers to their questions, they have to be willing to respect their child even when they don't like her answers.
It is so hard for us as parents to get this.
Another friend's child consulted with his parents about a college course he was thinking of dropping.
His parents didn't want him to drop the course and told him to call after he decided what he was going to do.
He didn't call and he didn't return his parents calls and he did drop the course.
He didn't lie but he didn't want to deal with their disapproval so he went into avoidance mode.
If they want continued input into their semi-adult child's decision, when they have to respect the decision he makes.
I would ask my child about the movies and music he was consuming.
I never liked his answers.
Eventually he didn't want to deal with the lecture or my disappointment in his choices, so he lied about what he was watching and listening to.
My agenda with my questions was not to take an interest in his life, but to continue to govern his choices by my approval or disapproval.
If I wanted my child to be honest with me, I had to be respectful of him.
Here is my suggested Don't Ask, Don't Tell policy for dealing with semi-adult children.
It is unfair for parents to ask the same questions if we already know we are not going to like the answers.
If you have had your say on the subject, give your semi-adult child the same respect you desire from other adults: Don't ask.
For the semi-adults: Don't tell a lie.
Taking the easy way out is not very adult of you.
If your parents are still supporting you and you are concerned that your actions might cost you that support, reconsider your actions.
You are not yet a free agent.
Find a way to deal with your parents without lying.
Sometimes you have to be the grownup in the relationship with your parents.