To many fathers, the unleashing of a teenage son into the world feels like a big responsibility.  After all,  Dad knows what a boiling pot of teenage hormones he was as a young man just entering the world of dating, and he may feel reluctant to turn that personality loose on the world of teenage girls.   Dad may also be a little nervous about seeing his son get involved in the world of drama and gossip that surrounds so many teenage girls and their friends.

Whatever the reasons Dad may have, he should know that fathers need to take some time to communicate with their sons about the world of women, dating, relationships and sex into which they are embarking as they begin dating.  The advice should not be intended to stigmatize dating, women or relationships, but rather to help the young man be prepared for the rush of emotions that are part of the teen dating scene.

As we think about these important messages young men need to receive, we need to take a special caution – if we have had some bad experiences with the opposite sex, it is important not to project those onto our sons.  They need to be careful in those relationships to be sure, but we should not warn them about women to the point of damaging their own chances at positive relationships.  We need to help them look for the good that can come from relationships handled well, and not just watch for warning signs that they are about to be victimized by the latest female in their lives.

The good news is that most dads have had some good experiences with relationships with women and can share some insights with their sons into making their son’s experiences positive and fulfilling.

Message 1 – Always treat your date with respect.  In today’s world where treating women badly is a mark of “coolness,” at least in popular music and culture, there is probably no more important message than the need to operate from a position of respect.  Young women are special, in part because they are different from young men and therefore somewhat alluring.  Our sons should communicate on an equal level with their dates; they should never speak down to them, call them names or show any level of disrespect.  They should generate a level of friendship with the girls they date before they get involved physically.

Message 2 – Real men don’t see their dates as conquests, and they don’t talk about them with the guys.  Too many times, the guy talk following a date can be quite vicious.  Guys for generations have been tempted to brag about how far they were able to get a girl to go physically, and the “locker room talk” can be pretty demeaning.  Despite hormonal influences to the contrary, guys need to keep the relationship on a respectful level and avoid getting into the ever escalating guy-talk about conquests.  Help them remember that their dates are someone’s sister, daughter or niece and should be treated appropriately.

Message 3 – Healthy relationships are balanced on both sides.  All too often, teens find themselves in relationships that are all about one needy partner and one that becomes co-dependent.  Healthy relationships are those where both parties feel respected, supported and valued.  Both parties have friends outside of the relationship without feeling the relationship threatened.  In good relationships, the good times far outweigh the bad times.  If one party takes a dominant role in the relationship, if one makes all the decisions, or if one demands total exclusivity, your teen should see these as danger signs and find a way to unwind the unhealthy relationship. 

Message 4 – Physical violence is always unacceptable.  Way too often, teen relationships can devolve into situations where one partner or the other becomes violent.  Hitting, slapping, violent anger and sexual abuse are signals of a need to get out of a relationship, regardless of how good the good times seem.  If a relationship becomes violent, it is time to talk with a parent or a trusted adult and get help breaking up.
Message 5 – Teens are not ready for a sexual relationship; keep the sexual contact out of dating relationships.  When you talk to your teens about sex, you have to help them understand that sexual involvement is not just about the physical – it is laden with heavy duty emotions.  And while teens are certainly capable of the physical aspects of sex, they are not mature enough to handle the emotions involved.  Sexual activity also brings with it many consequences, not the least of which is the possibility of a premature pregnancy.  Waiting until teens are ready to commit to one partner in marriage and to begin a family, while not popular, is the best approach toward sex for teens while dating.  Keeping teen dating relationships on a non-sexual level is the best policy for all concerned.